about ego & pain

recently i had an experience – a disagreement of sorts – with another person. it felt incredibly unjust, inconsiderate, and thus painful.

doing the right thing in such a situation is hard – so very hard, when our mind is clouded with pain and grief, or whenever we feel like we have experienced some form of injustice.

how, then, do we react to what we perceive as a very real, palpable injustice?

in my experience, a normal human reaction to experiencing injustice is to resist, to protest (whether that be done silently or loudly), to retaliate. at the very least we wish to right the wrong that we perceive, so much so that sometimes we forget to take a step back and, at the very least, question the pain and injustice that we perceive.

after all, an emotional pain inflicted upon us that hurts so bad we feel as though it had been inflicted upon our very body – how could it not be real? it is in those situations, when the pain feels so real and torments our whole body that to stop and question whether the injustice itself is real is an exercise of utmost difficulty. so clouded can our vision become that, unconsciously, we completely skip the step of questioning our experience and jump right to the conclusion that whatever caused such a pain must be absolutely and undoubtedly unjust.

in passing such quick judgement we fail to see the bigger picture, and, as a result, will react unjust ourselves.

this emotion-driven way of reacting to the world around us is caused by our ego, the sense of self, and to an extent i would say it is understandable: after all, when it comes to subjective experiences, our own experience is usually the first that we have about whatever it is that is happening in real time. if someone else were to tell us about such an experience before we were able to make it ourselves, it could potentially be very hard to wrap our head around how the other person must feel (not in a vague sense, maybe – there is empathy in all of us, after all – but our personal empathy can only help us understand another person's experience so much before we stop grasping what it is they are trying to convey, through no fault of their explanation or our own perception, but simply because, at the end of the day, reality remains the ultimate rorschach test.) and once we do make the experience the other person was talking about, if it is as painful as described above – hurting us down to our very core – we might fail to immediately remember their anecdote, and thus their wisdom is lost on us if we cannot get a hold of ourselves and reflect.

so then, what now? are we doomed to rush ahead and overreact every time someone does something that hurts us, or our ego?

luckily, i don't think we have to. first of all, not all pain is equally intense – sometimes we will just feel slightly bugged when someone does something we do not approve of, but depending on what they are doing it can still hurt really bad.

but even then we still have the option take a step back – breathe – and contemplate whether an action is really harmful or intended to hurt us.

just as i was experiencing such immense pain about a disagreement with another person, i remembered an excerpt from a certain zen studies podcast, which itself quotes parts of the sallatha sutta (a buddhist text) – and i felt a little enlightened:

the uninstructed, run-of-the-mill person makes their experience much worse by reacting with resistance, fear, and an obsession with getting rid of the painful feelings and obtaining pleasurable ones instead. we all know what this looks like in real life: we torment ourselves with regret and fear, we grieve our previous happiness, and rage against things as they are. the milk is spilt, the arrow has pierced, but we can't get over the injustice of it or let go of fevered grasping for pleasure and happiness.

a well-instructed disciple, on the other hand, does the following:

now, the well-instructed disciple of the noble ones, when touched with a feeling of pain, does not sorrow, grieve, or lament, does not beat their breast or become distraught. so they feel one pain: physical, but not mental. just as if they were to shoot a man with an arrow and, right afterward, did not shoot them with another one, so that they would feel the pain of only one arrow…

as they are touched by that painful feeling, they are not resistant. no resistance-obsession with regard to that painful feeling obsesses them. touched by that painful feeling, they do not delight in sensual pleasure. why is that? because the well-instructed disciple of the noble ones discerns an escape from painful feeling aside from sensual pleasure. as they are not delighting in sensual pleasure, no passion-obsession with regard to that feeling of pleasure obsesses them…

note that although this passage refers to the first arrow as physical pain, and second arrow as mental pain, the same principle applies to the emotional pain we inevitably experience in life. loss of our health, well-being, or a loved one will feel like an arrow piercing us, at least as long as we remain open-hearted and engaged in our lives. however, we can refrain from stabbing ourselves with a second arrow as long as we don't sorrow, grieve, lament, or become distraught over the very fact that we have been pierced by the first arrow.

what does refraining from piercing yourself with a second arrow have to do with letting go of views associated with dukkha, [i.e. dissatisfactoriness, stress, or suffering][…]? every motivation to pierce ourselves with a second arrow – to resist, sorrow, grieve, or lament about the reality we find ourselves in – is based on a view. we believe things shouldn't be this way. we hold the view that this isn't fair, or i'm a failure, or she's cruel, or i'll never feel any better than this. the views that cause dukkha and harmful action are many, and a large proportion of buddhist teachings focus on helping us identify and let go of such views. it's a tough practice! we think our views are reality, but with practice we discover they are just a filter we lay over reality that prevents us from perceiving things clearly.

now, whether you can or want to relate to buddhism or not – it is hardly deniable that how you relate to the sensation of pain, and how you react to it, can make all the difference when it comes to dealing with it, and overcoming it eventually.

and note that this whole passage does not, at any point, invalidate the pain either – it merely tries to give us the tools to overcome it – not by preaching faith in some supernatural, abstract deity that will swoop down from the heavens and save us if only our faith is strong enough – but by reassuring us that we already have what it takes within ourselves, if we allow ourselves to see it.

i hope that, whether you are experiencing pain right now, dear reader, or the next time you experience pain, as we all undoubtedly will from time to time, you may find comfort in the idea that you are not alone in the sensation of pain and you absolutely have what it takes to overcome it. =)

if you are interested in listening to the whole episode that the above excerpt was from, it is linked just below. or check out the zen studies podcast (honestly a great resource to get your feet wet with buddhism if you are interested but don't know where to start, as domyo sensei always mentions or includes her sources, whether in the podcast itself or on the website).