farewell!

to all my friends and acquaintances, to all my haters and enemies:

it's been fun, it truly has. yet, all things are impermanent. after years of severe irl trauma i think my mental health finally reached a breaking point recently, and i feel like i can no longer go on living the way i have.

i kinda hate speeches like these but i don't wish to disappear without at least explaining myself: i think the time is more than ripe for me to embark on a spiritual journey in an attempt to find myself, to heal from all the trauma and become a better and stronger person.

as long as i've been on the internet it was always my intention to make others smile, to try and be an inspiration, to foster healthy communities or create spaces where others felt welcome and embraced if their intentions and goals were at least somewhat aligned or if they simply wanted to find friends.

at the same time maybe i should have realised that i myself simply was not in a good enough place to take on such tasks responsibly enough. good intentions aren't necessarily wise intentions, and i'm truly sorry if i ever accidentally made bad decisions or acted unjust as a result (in specific instances i know i have).

i have come to believe that my attempts at trying to foster and nurture wholesome spaces might simply have been a silent cry for help, a subconscious attempt at being seen with all my irl pain, because i had no idea how to cope or process all the bad things that have happened.

realising this, i can no longer in good faith maintain my servers or try to be a part of communities in other servers, at the very least not until i have truly learned how to address and deal with my problems. expecting or wishing for (active or passive) help from total strangers who have no professional training in addressing spiritual, psychological, or emotional questions is never a good or healthy approach to deal with one's own pain, as it can create serious feelings of inadequacies when we don't receive the proper attention and care we need.

unfortunately my issues can't be tackled in just a few weeks, probably not even just a few months, and that is why i think i couldn't simply take a break for a while and come back when i feel better. i wouldn't feel comfortable if i kept people waiting for that long.

so, for the foreseeable future i think this must mean goodbye. i've made some really good friends online that i'll always be grateful for. to them i wish to say: thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for all your patience, for all the inspiration and happiness you've given me. and, seriously, sorry for all my inadequacies or occasions when i could've been better.

as for the future of this website: i intend to clean up here a little, but by and large this means my projects are put on hold for an indefinite period of time. i shall keep the blog around, kind of like a personal online diary, but apart from that i don't wish to distract myself with other projects.

thank you everyone for having embraced me the way you did. i wish you peace and happiness on your own future journeys. i hope we can come together again one day and talk about our experiences.