2025-05-16

1:30 AM rant:

So, apart from having felt a little under the weather these last few days (to put it mildly), my mood had increasingly soured as the evening went on. It got to a point where I once again just sat here in my room, staring into the void, and thinking "So what now? What am I doing with my life right now?"

From a philosophical point of view, the answer to dealing with negative emotions, unfulfilled wishes, unmet expecations, hopeless desires, seems always to boil down to "letting go" of the particular things that are causing such a state of mind. In "letting go", we free ourselves of the metaphorical shackles that these things have over us.

But, as someone recently said in a video that I saw, "letting go" is not actually something that can be done actively. "Does a tree let go of an apple because it wants to let go of it?"

Of course not. The tree lets go of its apples naturally, when the time is ripe. The same thing happens with our emotional baggage, naturally: We let go of it when the time is ripe. When we tell ourselves "I will let go of this now so that it stops bothering me", what we are really doing is choosing to ignore the problem because we admit that we are powerless to change it.

There is nothing wrong with that, per se. Sometimes, ignoring something we cannot change is the only way to keep us sane. I do think, however, that trying to force "letting go" of negative thoughts can be counterproductive to the process of self-improvement and personal growth.

Maybe thinking about why this thing bothers us so would be a good first step to making sure things like that cannot bother us (as much) again in the future. This might be a glaringly obvious sentiment to some people, but I find it actually completely fucking mind-boggling how so many people do not question such very important aspects about themselves.

Sure, questioning ourselves can be a very unpleasant process, but it is also a necessary step to actual growth, isn't it? If we always run away from unpleasant situations we will never find the strength to overcome them, I think. So, in a sense, we're not only running away from the unpleasantness, but also from the stronger person we could be after we challenged ourselves.

It's a rather sad thing to see how many people I know are not willing at all to put some effort into certain things. They will close their eyes and tell themselves "I did everything I could" while wasting their time and energy on complete nonsense and excuses to continue running away from themselves and their fears.

To be clear here, I know I'm not in a position to criticise anyone in particular, and this rant is not meant to do that. Everyone has their fears, and everone has reasons to justify their fears, and dealing with fears is really not that easy sometimes. I think everyone who isn't dishonest can admit that.

My problem, personally, is that, when I see people I care about doing this, I want to help. And sometimes I'd better just mind my own fucking business. I know that too. Where it starts to get uncomfortable is realising how much time and energy I sometimes spent trying to help people who don't even want to help themselves, let alone reciprocate any sort of meaningful emotional or psychological support when it really counts.

I must then admit to myself that it's really my own fault, because they've never asked for my support in the first place. And that not only makes me feel useless, but also like I overstepped the line when I actually really just wanted to help that person because I cared about them.

Now I feel torn apart between "am I a shitty person if I don't try to help people" and "am I a shitty person for trying to help people".

This is infuriating and I feel like my patience, goodwill, and efforts, have been abused by the lack of reciprocation, patience, goodwill, and efforts, that I receive(d) in some cases, and I have no right to actually blame anyone other than myself.

But how do I let go of that now?

Well, for starters, I will decide to "let go" of it, knowing full well it doesn't actually work like that. It will be let go of when the time is ripe.

Have I questioned why this bothered me so much in the first place? Why it meant that much to me that I allowed myself to feel so hurt over it?

Yes, I have, but those are private thoughts, and there are other places where I keep such thoughts.

I must emphasise that this is not a criticism against the people I felt or feel infuriated by sometimes. They exist the way they are and it is not my place to change them, nor expect that my attempts at making positive changes have to be accepted. This is my way of coping – expressing what it is that bothered me to make room for new thoughts, for finding new strategies about how I can make positive changes happen in ways that are less bothersome (because I know I can be an infuriating bitch too).

Of this I had to let go before I can let go of other things.

I am sure that I will be able to let go of them.

When the time is ripe.